Amor y Guerra

I’m resting in that sacred place of memories where good and bad and fucking wonderful have all staked out little casitas in my brain marking their turf on my heart, flickering right behind these old soul brown eyes that could always see you, could always see

I rub the back of my neck where my trensa used to hang in a straight black rope that tied my india self to my white gurl self my boi self as you used to pull my hair together so tightly deftly weaving together the strands of magic that made this warrior’s heart beat harder stronger

You member that early morning. finally the plane landed and there you were. there I was. there we were so uncertain. so afraid and so brave. fierce were we as we leapt over chasms of geography and change dancing to unknown melodies that had your name thumping in the base line. my name riffing as a power chord and both of our names pounding to the drum beat of anticipation. excitement. finally – at last

We swirled together all blood tears heart hurt passion sweeter than ice cream harder than razor blades your blue black hair a curtain we laid under as we whispered hopes and dreams of Mariposa and through it all we drank the bitter wine of loss that gave us both cirrhosis of the heart a deathly indigestion that never went away no matter what day time week month year

These memories like sea glass all burnished by waves tossed up on the shore where I pick through them smiling and laughing some threaten tears and still I look at the us that was. the us that ended. the all of us I gather up all of these tesoros so tenderly held and breathe through. remembering loss. the end. the last day I push some of the old ones over. elders in need of rest clearing the shelf to make way for all the new memorias yet to be made to fill these shelves to burn bright as my own sun sets between the mountains of this beautiful life that was all the more so because I hold memorias of you… por siempre

Lunching with Ladies for Peace at the Governor's Mansion

So, it was a very nice luncheon at the Governor's mansion today, lots of good people in the room, many I consider friends. The keynote speaker Senator Lena Taylor gave a terrific speech. In case you don't know, Sen. Taylor was one of the 14 Wisconsin legislators who in 2007 left the state rather than be forced to vote on a bill put up by the Governor for supposed "budget repair" that would take away the collective bargaining rights on benefits for public employees . She spoke about that and other things and like the speakers before her, she called for justice for women in all things, well all things that is except for equality for women who are Lesbian, Bi, Transgender or Queer (LBTQ)

Some days I think my head may blow off if I sit in one more room where well meaning purveyors of social justice and civil rights trumpet the call for what is right, but continue to deny the recognition and inclusion of LBTQ people in that dialog. The luncheon's presenters spoke from an assumption of heterosexuality and did not include or recognize queer women, their families, and their struggles. I sat and looked around seeing the numerous "rainbow people" in the room. I wondered if they  too felt left out of the conversation.

Continuously I have been told during my time here in AR to not rock the boat, don't be too gay or in their face. Don't let your transgender members sit on the front row in a legislative hearing, etc. To let the ones who have access (translation- assimilated, with privilege and mostly white) get the job done. Oh yeah, and let's do it quietly.

It took everything I had today to not leap out of my chair and exclaim well and good, how right all that was being said was... BUT! I'd sure appreciate it if I could hear acknowledgement and inclusion of Lesbian, Gay, Bi, Transgender and Queer (LGBTQ) Americans to be at the table as an integral part of any conversation about women and access to justice. About any Americans and their access to justice. The bathroom in the Governor's mansion has printed hand towels that say, "Governor's Mansion, Little Rock, AR". So here I am, a queer taxpayer paying for the printed paper towels in the mansion (and much more) and treated like a second class citizen...still!

Countless LGBTQ people have been an integral part of the vanguards and armies for social justice and civil rights movements in this country. We still are today. For decades we have fought for the rights of others with no reassurance that there would ever be any equality for ourselves. We have done this not for glory nor fame, we have done this because it was the right thing to do. Justice demanded it, our conscience insisted and our brother's and sisters needed us.

I greatly appreciate all those who have fought for my rights as a woman. But there is a deep disconnect when as a queer woman I remain in need of justice. The lack of equal recognition under the law informs every decision in my life, where I work, live, play, my parenting, access to health care, etc.  The truth is that my queerness often supersedes any rights or concessions gained for my gender or my birthrights as a citizen. This is further compounded by the unwillingness of many other women to stand for me/us and insist that I/we too be recognized as equal. This silence helps to perpetuate the condition of inequality. At every turn their "faith" is touted as the bedrock for their denial of my/our rights and often serves as the justification for their active participation in denying myself and the LGBTQ community equality. I am appalled by the mass historical amnesia of the days that the same "good book" denied women their humanity and their equality.

We can no longer afford to be satisfied while a few farm out dribs and drabs of equality, the rights of women every where are under assault! As women we must stand together, march right on past, breaking them down and going beyond the imposed and self-internalized barriers of race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, country of origin, class, gender identity, ability, age, etc.

I long for and will continue to work for the day a room full of women of all stripes stand together in Arkansas and on the front end include and name the struggle of their queer Arkansas sisters! Peace and Justice will come all the sooner when we are every one equal at the table.

All in all it was a very nice lunch, I greatly appreciated the opportunity to attend. I also understand that it probably never occurred to the organizers to include a queer woman's voice, victories, etc. as an important part of the issues of women. Interestingly enough during the meal I overheard many lament that while the salad we were given for lunch was nice, they wanted more. I completely understood that. I understand the desire for more, the desire to be filled...with equality.

I turn 57 in a few days. I have seen momentous gains for equality that I never thought to see. And while this is wonderful, it is not, it will NEVER be enough until ALL of my LGBTQ brothers and sisters are fully invested in the same rights and responsibilities under the law as our fellow Arkansans and Americans. I/We want more than a salad. I/We want the whole enchilada and I/We want all of my/our sisters to help me/us get there.

I Saw Love Today

Driving in my truck
I saw love today
bright red letters
fancy grafitti
written on a wall
it said
"all you need is love"
and as I went around
the corner
there they were
her hair gone to
winter's gray
striking a
pose long and
tall against the
lamppost
him concentrating
on getting the shot
his hair in the same
realm of winter
as it escaped his
fine cap perhaps
longing
for younger days
and it was his face
that caught me
the sheer adoration
as he looked up at her
and back down
to the viewfinder
working on that
perfect shot that
would forever
frame the love that
he saw though its lens
she smiled back at
him with that glow
that would make
you walk barefoot
through snow
if a woman ever looked
at you like that
and then they were
gone...
I saw love today


Romo (c) November 2011

Troy Davis was executed yesterday, despite 7 of the original witnesses recanting AND another person confessing to the crime.

According to Amensty International over 130 people have been freed from Death Row after evidence of their innocence was proven. How many innocent people have already been murdered by the Death Penalty? And when the case is incontrovertible - a smoking gun in their hand such as the guilt of Lawerence Russell Brewer (who was also executed yesterday) for the killing of James Byrd Jr., is the state's murder of the transgressor any better than the original murder? Is it truly justice when we continue to risk killing the innocent in hopes of getting the guilty?

The U.S. carries out more executions than any other liberal democracy in the world. In the "Americas", (this includes North and South and the Eastern Caribbean) only one country carried out death penalty executions in 2010 and that was the U.S. with a total of 46.

"We have met the enemy and he is us"

Breath

I'm having some trouble breathing these days. It's not like the hard drawn breath of life's surpises that knock the wind out of you; things like falling out of a tree and landing flat out, or maybe a broken heart, the loss of a family member, a job, etc. It's not even like over exertion from climbing a mountain, running hard, going up the stairs.

I simply can't breathe. It's scary. It's been going on for a little while now and I have finally come to the conclusion that it won't go away, I can't ignore it, I cannot breathe.

Most of us, we take our breath for granted. It comes in and goes out, there is no thought to its function. And now it doesn't, well it does, just not as clean and easy as it used to.

Not being able to breathe well, it makes me think a lot about my breath now. I think about my first breath as I left my mother's body, how our breaths must have mingled when she held me the first time. I wonder how many breaths there were in all the times I uttered "I love you". I remember that it took exactly three breaths to tell her, my most beloved, that I loved her. I wonder how many panting breaths were involved in the birth of my child. How my breath felt upon her newborn cheek. How many breaths were gasped in the throes of passionate embraces. How many inhales and exhales have my triumphs been fueled by. How many breaths of celebration when baby girl graduated. I think about the whoosh of lungs emptying from a belly buster in the lake. I stumble over the memories of the jagged slashes of breath when my heart lay shattered, my sobs choked off because I couldn't get my breath. How many breaths did it take for all of my angry words to asail tender hearts. I wonder how many breaths did I spend in great gales of laughter, laughing till my sides hurt and tears stood in my eyes. I think of all the breaths that ferried my curse words to unsuspecting ears. I think about all the breaths given to worry, to hope, to sorrow, to conversation, to quiet contemplation, to creativity, to joy; all the breaths that have made this life mine.

I'm a bit afraid of this development, this feeling that I cannot breathe. I do not know what it portends. But I do know that I have never before considered the workings of breath or what it must mean were it to cease. Whatever it is, I have finally accepted that it's not going away, the doctor is mandated.

I'm afraid. I don't know why, but I am. But maybe, hopefully, I'll give more breath to sighs of relief and this will be but a melodramatic footnote.

Shoulders hunched
against a cold wind
glow of cigarette
in cupped hand
tail lights wink
in the distance
as hard shudder
not chill induced
passes right
through bone
when lights crest
hill and disappear
butt ground out
til fire's gone
a last exhale of
curling smoke
and it's done

Liberty and Justice For Who? Happy 4th of July...Sort Of...

I've been thinking a lot about freedom, liberty, justice, etc. as we head into the 4th of July holiday. It doesn't hold quite the same meaning for me given my status as a lesbian and a citizen who is denied my birthright to be fully protected and included in the laws of this land. Yet despite this inequality I am forced to pay the same taxes as my fellow Americans who enjoy many rights and protections denied to myself and other LGBTQ/SGL (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer and Same Gender Loving) people.

I've been particularly thinking about folks like Arkansas' own Tim Wooldridge who claimed during his recent Congressional campaign that homosexuality was a choice and as such he did not believe in anti-discrimination laws that would protect LGBTQ people. This was a troubling statement on many fronts, one being that his primary source of income ($150,000.00 annually) was from the Arkansas Association of Universities. Many of the universities he was lobbying for have anti-discrimination policies.

When I heard Wooldridge's contention that we choose to be lesbian, gay, etc. it scraped the scab off of an old wound that it seems that I have carried all of my life. And sadly, I don't know if this wound will ever be healed, for only the salve of full equality is the cure.

First of all, your religion is a choice; as is your job, where you live, what you eat and wear, etc. For the vast majority of LGBTQ/SGL the only choice in regard to our sexuality or gender identity has been to live a life of honesty about who we are. This is a choice not lightly made. To live openly makes you a sitting duck that can be and often is subjected to violence and bullying, loss of family and friends, loss of employment, access to housing, etc.

Of course we could make other choices too. We could choose to live in the closet in fear of being found out; hiding our relationships and changing pronouns. And as if that alone were not dehumanizing, spirit breaking, soul killing enough, we could choose to partner with opposite sex people. Here we could live lives of duty to others cares and slowly suffocate our hearts and minds to death. Or we could even choose celibacy, to live alone, without a loved one and try to live a life that seems to go against our natural origins and nature. In any of these scenarios our quality of life is profoundly diminished. And for what?

To satisfy bigotry? To help fill church coffers? To propel some to political power? In what way does this terrorism of LGBTQ/SGL people make our country and communities stronger, healthier or even safer? While our nation bandies about the words terrorists and terrorism, let us never forget the culpability of Americans with little cross lapel pins, clutching their Bibles, who have been fervently engaged in homegrown terrorism against the LGBTQ/SGL communities for some time now.

Sadder still is that some of these religious zealots who condemn our lives and try to block our access to equality were themselves once targeted and oppressed by the very same Bible they so willingly use as the foundation for their bigotry. For example, women were kept without rights by men using the Bible and the institution of slavery had at its bedrock Biblical scripture to justify and endorse its existence.

Prisoners have been taken in this war upon LGBTQ communities. LGBTQ people have died and others have been brutally assaulted on the back of these pulpit pounders! We have been kicked out of our homes, fired from our jobs, discharged from military service, etc. And no matter how much more openly we are able to live in this day and age, in the back of our minds is a continuous loop that reminds us that we are never safe! We are never free from fear, the threat of harm!

I get so tired of hearing "we love the sinner, but hate the sin"! Since when has love ever been qualified by hate?

I'm fighting the good fight, CAR is fighting this fight, I know a lot of you reading this are fighting the good fight. However, it will take many more of us united for equality, working together for fair and just treatment to win our rights. We will never be equal until the laws of this nation and state refuse to be held hostage by religious terrorists! We will never be equal until we stand up for our rights! We must also challenge every entity that claims to work for justice to understand that justice is not about "Just Us" it is about JUSTICE for ALL of US! And we as LGBTQ/SGL people must understand this as well, we must be good allies as well in our brothers and sisters struggles.

So, on this 4th of July as you have cookouts and fireworks; as you visit with family and friends remember that as LGBTQ/SGL people, we have not experienced this liberation. Remember that this is not really our celebration, this is not our party-this celebration of America's freedom, this country that does not acknowledge, respect or include us.

Do not be complacent, for we are not free! And we will not be free, our families will never be truly safe until we have the full access, protections and responsibilities of our fellow Americans. As the fireworks explode in the night time sky, ask yourself, "What am I willing to do to make this holiday truly mine? What am I willing to do to gain full equality?" And if that answer is to get involved, call us here at CAR 501-244-9690 or email us at artchangesu@yahoo.com.

If not CAR, there are other places to plug in such as the NWA Center for Equality or Stonewall Democrats. But for the sake of your rights, ALL of our rights…DO SOMETHING!

In the meantime...have a safe holiday.