Breath

I'm having some trouble breathing these days. It's not like the hard drawn breath of life's surpises that knock the wind out of you; things like falling out of a tree and landing flat out, or maybe a broken heart, the loss of a family member, a job, etc. It's not even like over exertion from climbing a mountain, running hard, going up the stairs.

I simply can't breathe. It's scary. It's been going on for a little while now and I have finally come to the conclusion that it won't go away, I can't ignore it, I cannot breathe.

Most of us, we take our breath for granted. It comes in and goes out, there is no thought to its function. And now it doesn't, well it does, just not as clean and easy as it used to.

Not being able to breathe well, it makes me think a lot about my breath now. I think about my first breath as I left my mother's body, how our breaths must have mingled when she held me the first time. I wonder how many breaths there were in all the times I uttered "I love you". I remember that it took exactly three breaths to tell her, my most beloved, that I loved her. I wonder how many panting breaths were involved in the birth of my child. How my breath felt upon her newborn cheek. How many breaths were gasped in the throes of passionate embraces. How many inhales and exhales have my triumphs been fueled by. How many breaths of celebration when baby girl graduated. I think about the whoosh of lungs emptying from a belly buster in the lake. I stumble over the memories of the jagged slashes of breath when my heart lay shattered, my sobs choked off because I couldn't get my breath. How many breaths did it take for all of my angry words to asail tender hearts. I wonder how many breaths did I spend in great gales of laughter, laughing till my sides hurt and tears stood in my eyes. I think of all the breaths that ferried my curse words to unsuspecting ears. I think about all the breaths given to worry, to hope, to sorrow, to conversation, to quiet contemplation, to creativity, to joy; all the breaths that have made this life mine.

I'm a bit afraid of this development, this feeling that I cannot breathe. I do not know what it portends. But I do know that I have never before considered the workings of breath or what it must mean were it to cease. Whatever it is, I have finally accepted that it's not going away, the doctor is mandated.

I'm afraid. I don't know why, but I am. But maybe, hopefully, I'll give more breath to sighs of relief and this will be but a melodramatic footnote.

Shoulders hunched
against a cold wind
glow of cigarette
in cupped hand
tail lights wink
in the distance
as hard shudder
not chill induced
passes right
through bone
when lights crest
hill and disappear
butt ground out
til fire's gone
a last exhale of
curling smoke
and it's done

Liberty and Justice For Who? Happy 4th of July...Sort Of...

I've been thinking a lot about freedom, liberty, justice, etc. as we head into the 4th of July holiday. It doesn't hold quite the same meaning for me given my status as a lesbian and a citizen who is denied my birthright to be fully protected and included in the laws of this land. Yet despite this inequality I am forced to pay the same taxes as my fellow Americans who enjoy many rights and protections denied to myself and other LGBTQ/SGL (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer and Same Gender Loving) people.

I've been particularly thinking about folks like Arkansas' own Tim Wooldridge who claimed during his recent Congressional campaign that homosexuality was a choice and as such he did not believe in anti-discrimination laws that would protect LGBTQ people. This was a troubling statement on many fronts, one being that his primary source of income ($150,000.00 annually) was from the Arkansas Association of Universities. Many of the universities he was lobbying for have anti-discrimination policies.

When I heard Wooldridge's contention that we choose to be lesbian, gay, etc. it scraped the scab off of an old wound that it seems that I have carried all of my life. And sadly, I don't know if this wound will ever be healed, for only the salve of full equality is the cure.

First of all, your religion is a choice; as is your job, where you live, what you eat and wear, etc. For the vast majority of LGBTQ/SGL the only choice in regard to our sexuality or gender identity has been to live a life of honesty about who we are. This is a choice not lightly made. To live openly makes you a sitting duck that can be and often is subjected to violence and bullying, loss of family and friends, loss of employment, access to housing, etc.

Of course we could make other choices too. We could choose to live in the closet in fear of being found out; hiding our relationships and changing pronouns. And as if that alone were not dehumanizing, spirit breaking, soul killing enough, we could choose to partner with opposite sex people. Here we could live lives of duty to others cares and slowly suffocate our hearts and minds to death. Or we could even choose celibacy, to live alone, without a loved one and try to live a life that seems to go against our natural origins and nature. In any of these scenarios our quality of life is profoundly diminished. And for what?

To satisfy bigotry? To help fill church coffers? To propel some to political power? In what way does this terrorism of LGBTQ/SGL people make our country and communities stronger, healthier or even safer? While our nation bandies about the words terrorists and terrorism, let us never forget the culpability of Americans with little cross lapel pins, clutching their Bibles, who have been fervently engaged in homegrown terrorism against the LGBTQ/SGL communities for some time now.

Sadder still is that some of these religious zealots who condemn our lives and try to block our access to equality were themselves once targeted and oppressed by the very same Bible they so willingly use as the foundation for their bigotry. For example, women were kept without rights by men using the Bible and the institution of slavery had at its bedrock Biblical scripture to justify and endorse its existence.

Prisoners have been taken in this war upon LGBTQ communities. LGBTQ people have died and others have been brutally assaulted on the back of these pulpit pounders! We have been kicked out of our homes, fired from our jobs, discharged from military service, etc. And no matter how much more openly we are able to live in this day and age, in the back of our minds is a continuous loop that reminds us that we are never safe! We are never free from fear, the threat of harm!

I get so tired of hearing "we love the sinner, but hate the sin"! Since when has love ever been qualified by hate?

I'm fighting the good fight, CAR is fighting this fight, I know a lot of you reading this are fighting the good fight. However, it will take many more of us united for equality, working together for fair and just treatment to win our rights. We will never be equal until the laws of this nation and state refuse to be held hostage by religious terrorists! We will never be equal until we stand up for our rights! We must also challenge every entity that claims to work for justice to understand that justice is not about "Just Us" it is about JUSTICE for ALL of US! And we as LGBTQ/SGL people must understand this as well, we must be good allies as well in our brothers and sisters struggles.

So, on this 4th of July as you have cookouts and fireworks; as you visit with family and friends remember that as LGBTQ/SGL people, we have not experienced this liberation. Remember that this is not really our celebration, this is not our party-this celebration of America's freedom, this country that does not acknowledge, respect or include us.

Do not be complacent, for we are not free! And we will not be free, our families will never be truly safe until we have the full access, protections and responsibilities of our fellow Americans. As the fireworks explode in the night time sky, ask yourself, "What am I willing to do to make this holiday truly mine? What am I willing to do to gain full equality?" And if that answer is to get involved, call us here at CAR 501-244-9690 or email us at artchangesu@yahoo.com.

If not CAR, there are other places to plug in such as the NWA Center for Equality or Stonewall Democrats. But for the sake of your rights, ALL of our rights…DO SOMETHING!

In the meantime...have a safe holiday.

Bigotry Killed the Prom - But Justice Will Bring it Home

This week in Itawamba County, Mississippi an 18 year old student, Constance McMillen, requested to be allowed to wear a tuxedo to prom while escorting her girlfriend who is also a student at the school. She was told she couldn't arrive with her girlfriend, that she could not wear the tuxedo and that the couple could be asked to leave if it made other students uncomfortable. Ultimately the school district opted to cancel the prom.

The reason cited by the district for the cancellation was that by allowing the lesbian couple to attend it would be a distraction to the education process. As if the recently filed lawsuit against the district by McMillen and the ensuing media firestorm coverage is in no way distracting the educational process? Not to mention that the district has now effectively punished all of the students who were going to attend prom.

This behavior by the school district only serves to illustrate the impudence with which individuals and entities today still flaunt their bigotry. These actions continue to impress upon LGBTQ/SGL youth and young adults that their lives, needs, hopes and dreams have no place in our hetero centric society. It also criminalizes Constance and her girlfriend to their peers, making them the scapegoats for the prom being canceled.

It is heart breaking to see this kind of discrimination continue to rear its ugly head and to be allowed to continue.

School's already tough enough; youth are trying to graduate, dealing with peer and societal pressures, trying to navigate their transition into adulthood while also working on learning how to have healthy relationships.

As a young person in the 70's I was constantly impacted by the poisonous effects of homophobia. School was hell, like sharks who can smell blood from miles away, other students and some teachers honed in on my "difference" and they were brutal.

I didn't have an opportunity to attend prom, there was no dating, no possibility of a girlfriend. In fact there were precious few friends. I didn't learn how to negotiate relationships. I was alone and all that I did know was an unceasing terror that someone would find out my deepest secret, that I was a lesbian (for the record I still am). So I kept people at bay lest I be discovered and for years I was isolated, lonely and scared beyond belief.

In the meantime what I did learn was how to lie, hide and manipulate and it made me utterly and wretchedly miserable to have to do this as an everyday part of just being alive in this world.

So, I started getting high, a lot. And ultimately my life spiraled out of control. Eventually I was institutionalized; first in a juvenile facility and then a mental institution and lastly a religious girl's school. My crime, my illness? Being a dyke!

Once free from these institutions my downward spiral with drugs and alcohol continued for many years. This caused untold suffering to myself personally as well as to many who were in my life. My child was especially impacted by my struggle. It was a horrific price to satisfy the discomfort of others homophobia.

All these years later it's true that I have seen things change that I never thought to see. There are now states with legal marriages, there are cities with inclusive ordinances on employment, domestic partnerships, civil unions, housing and public accommodation access. LGBTQ people live much more openly, owning and operating businesses. We now see greater depictions of ourselves in the media. We have indeed come a long way baby! Why our families now roll Easter eggs on the White House lawn.

And while all our progress is wonderful, it is Not Enough! I repeat, it is Not Enough! Bullies still abound; in pulpits, legislatures, homes, schools and communities. Tender hearts every day are bruised and broken by homo/trans phobic families and society at large. Physical and emotional battery and murder is still very much a reality. Suicide still takes too many of our young people. Equitable access to employment, housing and public accommodations continue to be largely unprotected across the nation. There are no uniform civil rights protections. LGBTQ people are not allowed to serve openly in the armed forces. Parents still send their children against their will to Jesus camps to try and "heal" their queerness.

As an activist I am often so tired and so exhausted from not only fighting the good fight, but also from trying to cajole, beg, push, pull and drag LGBTQ community members to be engaged in participating with their own liberation. It at times is so demoralizing that I think to give this work up. So, it does my heart good to see this young dyke in Mississippi stand up to the school district and her whole town and fight for what is just, for what is right, for what is equal! Way to go Constance! It also does my heart good to see others across the country standing up with her and offering help.

Here in Arkansas and anywhere the reader may call home - remember this; whatever we may have today as queer people, it IS NOT ENOUGH! We must stand tall, stand strong and we must fight, every single day, we must fight!

Wreckage

Wreckage...that's all we are now - missed turns, hairpin curves, blind spots and oil slicked roads as we sped recklessly along with lies and anger our high octane
rocket fuel that cranked us
from zero to sixty in nothing flat
glass daggers from exploding windshields
seeking out the jugular of tender
throats and not a seat belt between us
when with the brakes screaming
and burning in raucous protest
we went crashing through the guardrail
of love's last shred of dignity where
bent on murder and revenge we destroyed
any hopes of our survival as we flew
over the edge, launched into space
where we soared free falling
our terror filled mouths
puking fear, loss and sorrow
until the bone crushing reality
smashed into us headfirst
landing in a smoking, twisted, broken
pile of scrap with two bloody mangled
hearts that were dead on arrival

Murder is Still Murder... Even if You Do Say Amen

A newpaper item today reported that over 200 have been slain in Nigeria in religious based violence between Muslims and Christians. Women, children and men brutally butchered. Homes were burned and the survivors have fled in fear of violent reprisals.

The historic record of religious based violence follows the existence of religion from its very inception. Almost every known form of religion has utilized violence as a tool for its existence and perpetuation. The persecuted have become the persecutors and vice versa.

What is it that allows men to justify horrific acts of murder and torture in the name of their particular deity? What allows men to commit such terrible and public acts upon innocents? And the reality is that it is men that embark upon these violence fueled testimonies of their faiths. While women at times may be complicit, they are most often the first line of victims when these brutalities are unleashed. Raped, beaten, tortured, their children, husbands and other family members murdered in front of them and all too often, they too are murdered. And usually, it's in the name of either God or Allah.

And we must remember the violent torture and executions of our LGBTQ/SGL brothers and sisters who are murdered in other countries by religious extremists. In far too many places in this world queer people live in silent fear of "Godly men" fearful of losing their lives if they come out of the closet.

Retribution killings keep the blood flowing, the destruction rampant and the loss of life climbs. Families are destroyed, children murdered, children without parents, partners losing their beloveds, wives without husbands and sometimes children taken and brainwashed into becoming killers themselves.

And lest we get too comfortable sitting here in the U.S. thinking that we have escaped this terror we must remember our own country's past and continued religious based violence; both physical and psychological.

We have had our own fair share with one of the earliest examples being in 1637 when a Puritan militia burned 500 indigenous men, women and children alive at Fort Mystic. Then there's the Salem Witch Hunts. Manifest Destiny occurred because whites believed that it was their God given right and duty to take over lands formerly belonging to indigenous people. This was most often accomplished through violence and death. Indigenous children were forcibly removed from their families and placed in schools run by religious groups, where their hair was cut, their native languages silenced and Christianity forced upon them. Protestants initially made up the majority of this country's new settlers and they persecuted Catholics and Jews. Within the ranks of Protestant churches they fought one another over who was the better Christian. Slavery was supported by referencing the Old Testament with many religious leaders of the time themselves endorsing the practice. The KKK steeped itself in religious justification and while terrorizing, beating and killing primarily African-Americans they also targeted Catholics and Jews. The Catholic church has hidden and protected its clergy from prosecution for sexually and physically abusing countless children.

Make no mistake about it, the invasion of Iraq may as well have had a huge cross on a banner with trumpets blasting out "Onward Christian Soldier" as U.S. forces marched in with guns and tanks blazing away. Here at home faith inspired fanatics have traded in their robes and masks for suits with gold cross lapel pins and they wage a war of laws and public opinion that continues to systematically disenfranchise and terrorize LGBTQ/SGL Americans. Too many times this rhetoric inspires the random acts of violence, rape and even murder against queer people. And in the back of their minds the liar's sermons beat time to their crimes as they wreck havoc on the lives of the victims of these bastardized pulpits.

It's pouring down rain right now. And I wonder if this could be the tears of God and Allah, tears wept at the ugliness of the human condition, all the loss, the pain and the bottomless grief. I want to go and sit on the back steps and add my tears to this falling rain; to sit and grieve for all those who have lost their lives, homes and families in the name of God or Allah.

It makes my heart break to see what men are willing to do to one another in the name of their religions. Raping, imprisoning and murdering innocent people because they don't get their beliefs from the right "holy book". Terrorizing innocents whose only crime is that they are queer. The purveyors of these crimes are not holy men, these are not keepers of the light of their beliefs. These are murderers, bullies and terrorists; these takers of lives, exterminators of hopes and dreams.

We are none of us safe from these followers of God, Allah, etc. As long as there has been religion, there have been those who are willing to use violence to misinterpret it to their will.

There's a bumper sticker that says, "God save me from your followers". I'd like to amend that to say "Save us all from religious fanatics who use their faith to justify violence".

We must always advocate the right to freedom of religion, but just as ardently, we must call for the inalienable right of freedom from religion.

Christians...to God... Not Always the Glory

I have long been preplexed by the fervent adoration, praise and worship of God by some whose daily walk is distinctly at odds with this faithfulness they profess. And while I do not identify as Christian, the premise of Christianity is very familiar to me. I was raised by a Christian mother and I was incarcerated in a Christian girl's school when I was a teenager. Because of this I have long been exposed to what it means to be Christian.

I see these Kool-Aid Christians telling lies, getting drunk, manipulating people, being sexually promiscuous, cheating on their partners both emotionally and physically, hurting others and lacking in overall accountability.

I wonder at the self-delusion that must be so strong that they can't or refuse to see the contradiction. The hypocrisy is so evident and it makes one feel almost embarrassed for them.

I don't know...maybe it's just me, but I've just always thought that one should walk the walk of their talk...I'm just sayin.

Asking for What We Will Not Give

NOTE: This is a revised piece from 2006, but it still fits!
Immigration Reform and Queer Equality - We Need Them NOW!

As a Mexican-American lesbian I have been watching with great interest the debates over immigrant rights as well as the ongoing struggle for fair and equal treatment by the lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, transgender and queer (LGBTQ) community.

Because of my place in both of these worlds, I am often privy firsthand to the intolerance and prejudice of some members of these groups against one another. From many in my Latino community I hear the arguments and the support for laws that continue to contribute to the denial of the LGBTQ community’s quest for equal rights. At the same time I hear many in the LGBTQ community expressing strong anti-immigrant sentiment as well as calling the undocumented law-breakers who deserve no consideration for citizenship.

It is a constant source of amazement to me to see how quickly each group embraces and actively contributes to the life span of the injustice from which the other suffers. All the while they are each bemoaning their own ill treatment at the hands of unjust laws in America.

These webs of prejudice have been carefully spun to keep the disenfranchised too entangled to see clearly the ways that they are being played against each other.

In addition to setting immigrants and the LGBTQ community against one another in order to inflame opinion and perpetuate the prejudice and continuation of inequitable treatment; there is an attempt to sway the opinion of the African-American community. Basically the African-American community is being encouraged to participate in activities that hurt other people’s quest for justice. There has been a deliberate courting of this community by anti-immigrant and anti-LGBTQ factions (these are often the same groups and individuals) to buy into rhetoric that paints immigrants as “stealing” black jobs and the LGBTQ community as undeserving of equality based on religious beliefs.

It seems we are supposed to believe that immigrant workers are only for the lowest jobs that no one else wants to do. Not only that, but it seems that now we’re supposed to believe that those are actually black people’s jobs? And we are supposed to believe that religious preferences supersede human worth and dignity, allowing LGBTQ individuals and their families to be denied equal rights.

It’s no wonder that I get confused. On the one hand, immigrants are being told that unless they are citizens they cannot have rights, while the LGBTQ community is being told that despite being citizens, they cannot have rights. Yet, each one continues to help keep the other down while the African-American community is encouraged to step on both groups, while itself continuing to be subjected to racism, education and economic disparities. And nativist whites, some of whom are themselves suffering from poverty, continue to beat the drums of intolerance as well.

What this gives us is a lot of people who are systemically discriminated against fighting each other for top rung on the ladder of oppression. Like crabs in a barrel we keep pulling one another down, doing the dirty work for a system whose power structure depends on our remaining divided and actively oppressing each other. At the same time 10% of the U.S.’s citizens own 70% of this country’s assets.
A couple of the biggest arguments that I hear from many LGBTQ, African-American and other community members around undocumented people concerns the Mexican economy, why won’t they speak English and why people come here without papers.

It’s true that the Mexican economy is in bad shape, and some of that can be directly attributed to the U.S. The maquiladoras, manufacturing plants in Mexico that sprang up in the sixties, many with U.S. owners, have seen a dramatic closing of operations resulting in the loss of hundreds of thousands of Mexican jobs. This happened in part because of their loss of duty-free status due to NAFTA. As Mexican workers began to organize around pay, benefits and the environmental impact of these plants there was a subsequent outsourcing of these plants to countries with easier labor and environmental laws like China, Brazil and Indonesia. NAFTA also led to the dumping of tons of cheap American corn into Mexico, forcing countless Mexican farmers whose cash crop was corn, out of business. NAFTA also allowed for American trucking companies to operate in Mexico, but the Mexican trucking industry was blocked from operating in the U.S. for over ten years.

The immigrant community absolutely understands and values the necessity of learning to speak English. And they are learning to speak English. The reality is that it can take five years or more to learn a foreign language and linguistically English is a difficult language to learn. By second generation the children all speak fluent English, by third generation English is usually the first language.

As for obtaining the necessary paperwork, people would if they could. Immigrating with the necessary documentation instead of spending thousands of hard won dollars to be smuggled into the country, or risking the lives of their families and themselves while trying to cross on their own would be much more preferable. But the fact is that current U.S. immigration policies make it almost impossible for most Mexicans and the residents of many other Latin American countries who are crossing the southern border to obtain the needed papers. Some may get temporary visas, but the track to permanent residency and citizenship is not an option for the vast majority. For those who do get the paperwork that puts them on the citizenship track, it can take them between10-25 years to reunite their families.

The majority of the Latino community and many other community’s with new immigrant populations continue for the most part to oppose equal rights for the LGBTQ community. Invariably it comes down to an issue of religion. Amazingly enough, many in these community’s agree with the anti-immigrant faction’s position on denying LGBTQ people equality. This despite the fact that their oppressors are also intent on preventing any form of humane immigration reform or opening a path to citizenship for the people already in the country. For most who are people of color, racism is a fact of life. And this racism is also perpetrated by those that this community stands with in denying rights to the LGBTQ community. Imagine being a person of color who is LGBTQ and then add being undocumented on top of that.

Contributing to all of this is the fact that people are scared and fear is the best tool to keep oppressed people opposing one another. And it’s working. The immigrant community and the LGBTQ community are among the sacrificial lambs, diverting people’s attention away from the real problems. Things like jobs that pay living wages, access to healthcare, quality education, safe and affordable housing, and food to eat.

The country is bogged down in outrageously expensive armed conflicts, with no real exit strategy, timetable or direction. At the same time the U.S. has been driven into unparalleled debt. The American middle class is swiftly disappearing; the disparity between the poor and the richest is a rapidly widening chasm of gargantuan proportions. Americans are hurting; jobs that paid good wages with benefits are vanishing. Oftentimes these jobs have been outsourced to foreign countries whose workers accept lower pay, no benefits and whose governments do not rigorously regulate worker and environmental protections. At the current rate, by 2015, the country will see over 15 million jobs outsourced.

We’re being told that the decline in American manufacturing is based upon a lessening demand for manufactured goods. But this is a fallacy as our consumer addicted nation continues to gobble up the now imported goods. We are quickly becoming a nation that will not be able to manufacture to meet our needs. And it’s not just manufacturing jobs that are leaving, software development, customer service, accounting and other financial services, office support, and product development to name but a few.

So why then are we content to fight each other? Why do we argue over who gets to do the worst jobs for the least pay? And why shouldn’t hard work in those least desirable jobs earn one a path to citizenship? Why do we continue to think it is okay for churches to tell our government which of its tax paying citizens can have equal rights? Why do we keep loving families from having equal rights to protect their families? Why have we lost sight of the value of human dignity and humanity? Why do we keep buying into the oppression of other human beings?

In addition to being human beings that want the same things; to protect and provide for our families, the immigrant and the LGBTQ community have some other things in common. If you are undocumented or LGBTQ you can be:

• fired from or refused a job
• refused the rental or sale of a home or be evicted
• forced to live in the shadows/closet
• targeted by legislators seeking to gain political power
• violently physically and verbally assaulted
• paying taxes with no rights
• denied access to a variety of government programs
• denied a legal marriage license

It is a time to stand in solidarity, to bring both of our communities out of the shadows. It is time to call for an end to the scapegoating and call for fair and just treatment regarding immigration reform, creating a path to citizenship for those who are here and providing full access to equal rights and responsibilities for the LGBTQ community. It is a time for our own accountability regarding the ways that our respective communities have contributed to the injustice of each other’s community. Now more than ever, we must come to understand that justice isn’t about “just us”, it is about justice for ALL!

Taking to the Page

Well it's been quite a ride of late. Between work and the personal it has been rather traumatic, yet oddly liberating. I have had to let go of some people in my life and I have reclaimed others. New starts, cleaning house on multiple fronts, fresh hurts, old wounds, cultivating inner peace and ultimately...freedom from some of the mental slavery and emotional terrorism that had held me fast.

Some of the shedding has been welcome, necessary and long past due., encouraging growth and renewal. Some of it has been sorrow filled, heartbreaking...yet necessary and long past due. I have said things that needed to be said that I was too afraid to say, I have said things that I can never take back, and all that I said, I meant. Still, I am sad at some of the loss, mourning reverberates throughout my heart. The love remains unblemished, although the reality stands in stark relief. And so I accept this loss and bear the pain of it.

It has all pushed me to rethink my limitations, redefine my boundaries and examine my own concept of my self-worth. I know that I'm carrying 50 pounds of grief around my waist, that has to go as well. I know why it's living there, I only hope that I can get the same clarity in dealing with it as I have with all of the rest of this thing called life and all it brings.

As part of my renewal and movement I have resolved to write more; be it in reflection, commentary, poetry, essays, etc. Whatever comes to mind, this will be my witness, this will be my instrument, this will stand when I am long gone for any who cared that I was ever here.

I'm writing for me...you like it too? Well then that's a bonus!