Breath

I'm having some trouble breathing these days. It's not like the hard drawn breath of life's surpises that knock the wind out of you; things like falling out of a tree and landing flat out, or maybe a broken heart, the loss of a family member, a job, etc. It's not even like over exertion from climbing a mountain, running hard, going up the stairs.

I simply can't breathe. It's scary. It's been going on for a little while now and I have finally come to the conclusion that it won't go away, I can't ignore it, I cannot breathe.

Most of us, we take our breath for granted. It comes in and goes out, there is no thought to its function. And now it doesn't, well it does, just not as clean and easy as it used to.

Not being able to breathe well, it makes me think a lot about my breath now. I think about my first breath as I left my mother's body, how our breaths must have mingled when she held me the first time. I wonder how many breaths there were in all the times I uttered "I love you". I remember that it took exactly three breaths to tell her, my most beloved, that I loved her. I wonder how many panting breaths were involved in the birth of my child. How my breath felt upon her newborn cheek. How many breaths were gasped in the throes of passionate embraces. How many inhales and exhales have my triumphs been fueled by. How many breaths of celebration when baby girl graduated. I think about the whoosh of lungs emptying from a belly buster in the lake. I stumble over the memories of the jagged slashes of breath when my heart lay shattered, my sobs choked off because I couldn't get my breath. How many breaths did it take for all of my angry words to asail tender hearts. I wonder how many breaths did I spend in great gales of laughter, laughing till my sides hurt and tears stood in my eyes. I think of all the breaths that ferried my curse words to unsuspecting ears. I think about all the breaths given to worry, to hope, to sorrow, to conversation, to quiet contemplation, to creativity, to joy; all the breaths that have made this life mine.

I'm a bit afraid of this development, this feeling that I cannot breathe. I do not know what it portends. But I do know that I have never before considered the workings of breath or what it must mean were it to cease. Whatever it is, I have finally accepted that it's not going away, the doctor is mandated.

I'm afraid. I don't know why, but I am. But maybe, hopefully, I'll give more breath to sighs of relief and this will be but a melodramatic footnote.

Shoulders hunched
against a cold wind
glow of cigarette
in cupped hand
tail lights wink
in the distance
as hard shudder
not chill induced
passes right
through bone
when lights crest
hill and disappear
butt ground out
til fire's gone
a last exhale of
curling smoke
and it's done

Liberty and Justice For Who? Happy 4th of July...Sort Of...

I've been thinking a lot about freedom, liberty, justice, etc. as we head into the 4th of July holiday. It doesn't hold quite the same meaning for me given my status as a lesbian and a citizen who is denied my birthright to be fully protected and included in the laws of this land. Yet despite this inequality I am forced to pay the same taxes as my fellow Americans who enjoy many rights and protections denied to myself and other LGBTQ/SGL (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Queer and Same Gender Loving) people.

I've been particularly thinking about folks like Arkansas' own Tim Wooldridge who claimed during his recent Congressional campaign that homosexuality was a choice and as such he did not believe in anti-discrimination laws that would protect LGBTQ people. This was a troubling statement on many fronts, one being that his primary source of income ($150,000.00 annually) was from the Arkansas Association of Universities. Many of the universities he was lobbying for have anti-discrimination policies.

When I heard Wooldridge's contention that we choose to be lesbian, gay, etc. it scraped the scab off of an old wound that it seems that I have carried all of my life. And sadly, I don't know if this wound will ever be healed, for only the salve of full equality is the cure.

First of all, your religion is a choice; as is your job, where you live, what you eat and wear, etc. For the vast majority of LGBTQ/SGL the only choice in regard to our sexuality or gender identity has been to live a life of honesty about who we are. This is a choice not lightly made. To live openly makes you a sitting duck that can be and often is subjected to violence and bullying, loss of family and friends, loss of employment, access to housing, etc.

Of course we could make other choices too. We could choose to live in the closet in fear of being found out; hiding our relationships and changing pronouns. And as if that alone were not dehumanizing, spirit breaking, soul killing enough, we could choose to partner with opposite sex people. Here we could live lives of duty to others cares and slowly suffocate our hearts and minds to death. Or we could even choose celibacy, to live alone, without a loved one and try to live a life that seems to go against our natural origins and nature. In any of these scenarios our quality of life is profoundly diminished. And for what?

To satisfy bigotry? To help fill church coffers? To propel some to political power? In what way does this terrorism of LGBTQ/SGL people make our country and communities stronger, healthier or even safer? While our nation bandies about the words terrorists and terrorism, let us never forget the culpability of Americans with little cross lapel pins, clutching their Bibles, who have been fervently engaged in homegrown terrorism against the LGBTQ/SGL communities for some time now.

Sadder still is that some of these religious zealots who condemn our lives and try to block our access to equality were themselves once targeted and oppressed by the very same Bible they so willingly use as the foundation for their bigotry. For example, women were kept without rights by men using the Bible and the institution of slavery had at its bedrock Biblical scripture to justify and endorse its existence.

Prisoners have been taken in this war upon LGBTQ communities. LGBTQ people have died and others have been brutally assaulted on the back of these pulpit pounders! We have been kicked out of our homes, fired from our jobs, discharged from military service, etc. And no matter how much more openly we are able to live in this day and age, in the back of our minds is a continuous loop that reminds us that we are never safe! We are never free from fear, the threat of harm!

I get so tired of hearing "we love the sinner, but hate the sin"! Since when has love ever been qualified by hate?

I'm fighting the good fight, CAR is fighting this fight, I know a lot of you reading this are fighting the good fight. However, it will take many more of us united for equality, working together for fair and just treatment to win our rights. We will never be equal until the laws of this nation and state refuse to be held hostage by religious terrorists! We will never be equal until we stand up for our rights! We must also challenge every entity that claims to work for justice to understand that justice is not about "Just Us" it is about JUSTICE for ALL of US! And we as LGBTQ/SGL people must understand this as well, we must be good allies as well in our brothers and sisters struggles.

So, on this 4th of July as you have cookouts and fireworks; as you visit with family and friends remember that as LGBTQ/SGL people, we have not experienced this liberation. Remember that this is not really our celebration, this is not our party-this celebration of America's freedom, this country that does not acknowledge, respect or include us.

Do not be complacent, for we are not free! And we will not be free, our families will never be truly safe until we have the full access, protections and responsibilities of our fellow Americans. As the fireworks explode in the night time sky, ask yourself, "What am I willing to do to make this holiday truly mine? What am I willing to do to gain full equality?" And if that answer is to get involved, call us here at CAR 501-244-9690 or email us at artchangesu@yahoo.com.

If not CAR, there are other places to plug in such as the NWA Center for Equality or Stonewall Democrats. But for the sake of your rights, ALL of our rights…DO SOMETHING!

In the meantime...have a safe holiday.